You'll be free
by alexsecchi
Summary: Dan finds a girl literally steps away from committing suicide, can Dan try to save her from herself? (I SUCK AT SUMMARIES I KNOW) **TRIGGER WARNING** contains self harm, suicide, eating disorders and swearing. rated M to be safe
1. Chapter 1

Come on, just one little step, that's all it takes. You'll be free. You'll be happy. You'll be done.  
Here I was, standing on top of the office building not too far from my house, about to end my life.  
You coward. People will actually start claiming they care about you. No one does now, anyways. You're ugly and you're pathetic. You're nothing but helpless.  
You're such a waste of space. Someone with actual potentials in life could be living now, but you're in their spot. Do it.  
I took another step closer to the edge.  
That's it, come on, about three more steps will do it. Think of the rewards.  
I took another step.  
You fucking pussy. Do it. If you don't, you will keep living every day, a fucking piece of shit like you are now.  
Another step.

"Hey! Hey what do you think you're doing?!" I heard from behind me. I turned around and saw a guy. He was wearing a band shirt that I, too, had at home. He had silky brown hair styled with bangs and a fringe. He wore black skinny jeans and a pair of checkered Vans. "I hope you're not thinking of..." he looked down over the edge of the building. I looked at him, not saying anything. "Well... come on. You need to get down from here." He turned to walk to the ladder leading down the side of the building. He turned and noticed I hadn't moved.

"Okay. You can either come with me, or I call 911. You're choice." He folded his arms. I started walking toward him, taking a glance over the edge once more.

"Do you need a ride home?" he asked me, obviously concerned about my way back home. I would take him up on his offer, but I didn't want to come across as weak, just accepting any old ride offer from a guy I just met.

I shook my head and it started to rain. "Are you sure?" I nodded. "Well okay, then. See ya later."  
I started walking in the direction of my house, not looking back. I could feel his eyes on my every step.

* * *

**okay woo ^.^ my first fanfic! if anyone could leave a comment or review so far, or if I should keep going or not that would be fantastic. c: thaaaanks -alex**


	2. Chapter 2

I was greeted back at home to a very drunk father who was sitting on the couch smoking a cigar.

"Where the hell were you?!" his raspy voice yelled at me from across the room.  
"Just getting some coffee." I responded, obviously lying.  
"You should've been studying. You think having straight B's is okay?! Hell no it's not. I can't tell my friends I have a straight B daughter, that's fucking  
embarassing. Fuck you."  
"Yup." I said as I started my way up the stairs.  
"Where do you think your goin' now?" the irritating voice called out.  
"To my room...? Where else would I be going?" as I said this, I immediately regretted it. His face turned deep red, and he threw his newspaper across the room.  
He stood up and I new exactly what was coming.  
I started to run up the stairs but he grabbed my ankle and dragged me back down. He grabbed a hold of both my wrists and pinned me down. His fist greeted my face with such force I could already feel my teeth cutting through my cheek.  
"Next time you talk to me with that attitude, you're gonna get it worse, got it?" his spit was spraying all over my face. I just nodded my head and he let go of my arms.  
I got up and ran up the stairs to my room, slamming and locking the door in almost one motion.  
I scrambled over to my bed, and reached behind my pillow; feeling for my safe haven. I pulled out a medium sized jewelry box, filled with blades. Blades. My best friends. The ones I go to when I'm having problems or a tough time. I turn the blade around in my hand a few times, taking in all it's beauty. I'm not even crying, because I'm used to the abuse. If I've been getting it all my life, I must deserve it.  
I roll up my sleeves on both arms, revealing tons of scars, and even more cuts. Some old. Some as new as yesterday. I soak in all the marks and take a deep breath in, followed by a deep breath out.

I take another deep breath in, and pull the blade up to my left wrist, because I'm a righty and it's just easier that way. I push down and drag my metal friend across my arm. Blood. I need blood. I need to breathe. I can't breathe. More. Blood. I repeat the actions of pressing and dragging, and after a few minutes I can finally breath again. My arm is now covered in a sticky red mess, but it's one I like. I know I can breathe normally now.

I walk over to the bathroom down the hall, not even worried about my older sister seeing me. She's not home. She's probably out getting knocked up with one of her 7 boyfriends. Of course my dad cares about none of this, as she's a straight A student- something I'm not.

I opened the door with my right hand, the one not covered in as much blood. The last thing I needed was having my mom yell at me for making a mess.

I grabbed one of the black towels that I kept in the top shelf, so no one would even bother to look up there. And it was black, so the crimson liquid wouldn't stain. I sat down on the toilet seat cover, and started cleaning up my arm and my hands. When my arms were red-free, I stood up and soaked the black towel in the sink in cold water. I looked in the mirror, and they started talking.  
You ugly whore.  
Ew, look how fat your cheeks are.  
No one will ever love a piece of shit like you.

Whatever.  
I took the towel out of the sink and threw it in my hamper back in my room.  
I laid down on my bed, looking at my phone's clock. 3:26 AM. Holy shit. I was out that long? Or was my little breakdown that long? Who even cares. I turn on my back, looking at the ceiling.

If only I could shut my brain up for 5 fucking seconds.


	3. Chapter 3

My alarm went off at 8:00, but there was no need for it, because I didn't sleep at all. I never can, so I'm used to it.  
I climbed out of bed and threw on a different pair of jeans, and a black hoodie with my converse. I grabbed my iPod and my headphones from my nightstand and  
stopped by the bathroom to run a brush through my hair. I made a note not to look in the mirror, because that only brings bad things.  
I quietly made my way down the stairs and out of the front door, making sure to grab my wallet on the way out. The last thing I needed was to wake up my dad.

The ground is wet, probably from the rain yesterday. I hope it doesn't rain today, so I don't have to walk around in it, but at the same time, I want it to rain  
so the weather ca basically represent my mind. I don't know. I like rain.  
I started making my way to the coffee shop I go to every morning I get no sleep. The one next to the building I almost ended my life on. They have Monster energy drinks, so I feel the need to grab one on my way to wherever I want to go that day.  
I open the door to the shop, welcomed to an annoying group of people saying "Goodmorning!" In a way too perky voice. There were only like two other people in  
the shop, so I didn't have to wait very long. I walked up to the soda fridge and grabbed a no-calorie Monster.  
I walked back to the cashier, who was trying to engage in small talk. As I was just about done paying, a different person came up to the register next to mine.  
"Hello yes, can I have a caramel latte, with extra caramel on top?" the voice was way too familiar. I turned to look at the source of the voice, only to find  
the guy from the roof yesterday. He did a double take at me.  
I was ready before he was, and I didn't want it to seem like we were together or anything, so I started out the door. I picked a table outside of the shop, but not on the same side of the door, almost a subtle attempt to hide from him.  
I put my headphones in my ears and turned on my playlist I titled "mornin' sunshine".  
A few moments later, he walked out of the shop and turne the corner to where I was sitting. Oh great.  
"Hey!" he said, excitedly for some reason. I just looked up at him. I pulled out my headphones, to continue listening to him speak. Truth is, I was enchanted my his voice, by him.  
"We didn't really TALK talk yesterday, ya know? So hi, I'm Dan."  
"I'm Alex." I responded quietly.  
"Hello Alex. So what are your plans for today?" Oh god. What do I tell him? I don't have any plans, but I can't go home. The last thing I can do is go home.  
"Just hanging out, I guess." Nice save, dipwad.  
"Well if you aren't doing anything, you could hang out with me all day. If you want."  
"Cool. Thanks." I said a little too awkwardly. Fuck.  
"Yeah, so I'm heading back to my flat now, wanna come? My mate's making breakfast." Breakfast. Food. Fuck.  
"Um sure." Why am I so stupid. Fuck.  
We both stood up and threw out our drinks, I didn't even finish my Monster. Ugh. We started walking to the bus stop, and sat next to each other in the bus seats. Talking about Pokemon and Donnie Darko. Time flies by fast when you're talking about Donnie Darko.  
Dan stood up at a stop that apparently was his, so I stood up as well. When we got to the driver, I thanked him, and continued to follow Dan.

"Well, this is my flat." He said after a few steps. It was nothing special, but nothing great. Better than my house, for sure.  
We entered the door and was almost immediately greeted to a scrawny boy, with a black haired fringe, almost identical to Dan's.  
"Phil, this is Alex. Alex, this is Phil." Dan said to break the awkward silence.  
"Hi!" the boy named Phil said.  
"'Lo." I said quietly.  
"Alex is gonna chill with us for the day, okay?" Dan asked Phil.  
"Sure, no problem! Hey Alex, are you hungry?"  
Yes.  
"No, I ate before I left, but thanks anyway." I lied. I tend to do a lot of that.  
"Oh, alright. If you want anything, don't be afraid to ask!"

I ended up eating a piece of toast, because I didn't want to be rude. 45 calories. 45 calories too many.  
My phone started buzzing in my pocket. Dad. Fuck.

"Excuse me guys, I have to take this." I said pointing to my phone.

I tapped the answer button.  
"Hello?"  
"Where the hell are you?!" that annoying raspy voice panged into my ear.  
"At a friends." I just called Dan a friend.  
"HA! Like you have any friends, you fat, stupid bitch."  
"What did you call for?"  
"Well I went into your room, and didn't see your ugly ass studying. Which you should be."  
"Sorry."  
"Get home now."  
"What! No! I'm at a friend's!"  
"Well if they were truly your friend they would let your pathetic ass come home. Oh, and don't EVER talk to me in that tone of voice again, cunt."

He hung up.  
Tears started filling my eyes. If I go home, he is going to beat me to death. If I stay here, he will find me and Dan and Phil and kill all of us.  
I walked back into the kitchen, trying to hide my tears.  
"Hey, is everything okay?" Dan said, obviously noticing my watery eyes.  
"Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine." Lying, once again and the tears started falling even harder.  
Dan immediately ran up to me and pulled me into a hug. The biggest hug I've ever had in my life. The only hug I've ever had in my life. I felt safe, I felt secure, I felt wanted.


	4. Chapter 4

As Dan hugged me, as I felt wanted, I let out all of my tears, full of emotions. Happy - Dan hugged me. Sad - No, he doesn't care about me, what am I thinking? Scared - What am I going to do about dad?

Dan released me and grabbed my hand, pulling me over to the couch. He sat down and motioned for me to sit next to him, so I followed orders.

"Alex," he said looking caringly into my eyes, "what's going on?" I sighed and took a deep breath.

"That was my dad telling me to come home." I answered through more tears.

"Okay, you can go home." He tried to respond understandingly, a bit confused as to why I am so upset about 'going home'.

"No. I can't. If I go home, he'll kill me. Literally. He will beat me to death. And if I stay here, he will find where I am, and kill me, you and even Phil. I have to go home because you don't deserve that." sobbing some more. Dan looked at me with watery eyes.

"You don't deserve that, either, Alex. No one does."

"No, but I do. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm pathetic, stupid, insane, fucked up-"

"Stop right there! You're none of those things. At all."

"Yes I am. Don't deny it."

I can't breathe. I need to cut. Cut. Blades. Thankfully I keep one in my wallet.  
Phil walked into the room and motioned Dan to come over to him. I took my chance and ran up the stairs to what was apparently their bathroom. I heard Dan yelling after me.  
I locked the door and my phone started buzzing. A text message. From dad. "GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW"

I rolled up my sleeves and sat on the bathroom floor. I took the blade out of my pocket. I dragged it across my left arm.

Blood. Deep. Deeper. More blood.

I repeated this until my entire arm was hidden by scarlet liquid. Then I moved on to the left arm and did the same thing. I was soon sitting in a pool of my own blood. Oh god. I have to clean up so Dan doesn't kill me. Right as I stood up, Dan managed to open the locked door. He looked at me with disappointment and tears in his eyes.

"Oh god, what have you done?!" he yelled, but he didn't move. his eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

"Don't hit me!" and right as I finished guarding my face with my hands, everything turned to black.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up and everything was bright and white. I looked down at my arms, they were bandaged tight and neat, shit. I'm in the fucking hospital.

A nurse walked in to my room and spoke to me in an almost annoying perky voice.

"Hello, Alex. You've finally woken up!"

"Why am I here?" I asked, although I already knew the answer.

"You harmed your arms and fainted due to blood loss. We stitched up all of the deep cuts, and medicated the more shallow ones. If it wasn't for your friend Daniel, you could've died." Fabulous. Stitches. Cuts. Friend. Dan. Dan brought me here- DAN!

"Where's Dan?" I asked, almost shaking. What if he had left me? What's going to happen when I see him again? Will I ever see him again Who cleaned up the mess in his bathroom?

"He went to your house to get you some clothes. He told me that if you woke up while he was gone, he will be right back." She reassured me. I just nodded, and looked at the clock. 5:32 pm. How long have I been in here? I looked at the calendar on the wall, with a red circle on two days ago, probably the day I got in this place.

"If you need anything else, just press the button next to your bed. Someone will be in here immediately." She told me and I thanked her. She walked out of the room.

I looked at the table that the button was on. There was also my phone, a half eaten bag of Maltesers and a TV remote. I picked up the TV remote and pressed the power button, aiming at the TV on the wall opposite of my bed. The news was on, so I just left it. A few minutes passed, and nothing interesting on the news, just stock market shit, economic shit, and education shit.

I heard a knock on the door and it opened without giving me a chance to respond. Dan walked in and saw me awake, with lit up eyes he ran to me, dropping the bag he was carrying. He englufed me in a hug and I hugged him back.

"Don't you ever do that to me again, I thought I lost you for good." He said with a shaky voice, but not a sad shaky voice, a good shaky voice. One of those voices you talk in when you are unbelievably happy.

"I'm sorry for the mess I left. I really am." I said to him, I really fucked up that bathroom. I didn't know what else to say.

"Don't worry about the bathroom, Alex. It's fine." He laughed. I'm really happy he's here. I've never been so happy to see someone in my life.  
"Now, we do need to talk," he said as he got up and closed the door, "about what you're doing when you get out of here." Shit. He's right. Dad is literally going to murder me. "I asked the nurse for your address so I could go home and get your clothes, and while I was there I talked to your dad. I explained who I was, and what had happened to you. He didn't like the fact that you never listen to him and he said he can't handle you anymore, so he said you can't live in that house anymore."

I just sat there, staring at him. Where am I supposed to go now?

He continued on,"BUT- since I'm eighteen, you are allowed to come live with me and Phil, and I am now your legal caretaker. One of the nurses told me about this little loophole so you don't have to be hospitalizes. But for this to happen, you need to do everything the doctors need you to do."

I'm going to live with Dan?! I'm both excited about this, but terrified. He will soon know every little thing about me, that I cry myself to sleep every night, that I have panic attacks way too often and every other little thing I didn't want him to know.

The same perky nurse lady from before walked in and asked Dan to leave, and she then closed the door.

"As you may have heard, your father has kicked you out of your house. He is no longer your caretaker, Daniel is. The choice is, you either live with him and follow all of the dietary plans and take all of your medicines and go to all of your therapy sessions and behave in general, or you will be hospitalized and taken away from Daniel. You have to pick which one you prefer." She told me, not as perky as normal, but more serious. Holy shit, this is real.

"I want to go with Dan." I told her, without even thinking too much about it when she said it.

I was allowed to go home (well, my new home) after she had left and I had made my decisions and Dan had signed all of the papers. Eventually, we were off to my new home.


	6. Chapter 6

We walked into Dan and Phil's house, but by this point it was at least 11 at night. Phil was waiting in the kitchen with a plate of cookies.

"Welcome home, Alex!" he smiled, offering me a cookie from the plate. They look sweet, sugary, fattening.

I shook my head but Dan looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I sighed and took a cookie off the plate and took a bite. I swallowed it, thanked Phil and yawned.

"Oh, that reminds me; room arrangements!" Dan said excitedly. "Phil's room is on this floor, mine is on the second floor, and so is yours. Here, I'll show you."

Dan took my hand and lead me up the stairs with my suitcase. "Goodnight Phil!" I tried to say before completely disappearing from his sight up the stairs. Dan walked past a few doors at the top of the stairs and finally got to a door at the end of the hallway. He opened the door to see a bed, a dresser and a closet.

"You should get some sleep. My room is two doors down on the left, and you know where the bathroom is. Just so you know, Phil took the locks off every door in the house, just to be safe. I don't want a repeat of what happened." He looked at me caringly. I just met this guy and I'm living with him. Woah. "Don't forget your meds," he said. "I have to watch you take the right amount so you don't overdose or anything." I took them out of my pocket and downed them dry.

"Oh, and the might be the creepiest thing ever, but since what just happened just happened, I'm supposed to sleep in your room." Please do.

"I don't know if I even trust myself." I told him, being completely honest.

"Okay, then it's settled." He walked down the hall into his room and came back with a blanket and a pillow. He laid them down next to my bed on the floor and began to climb into his creation. He was already dressed in a green shirt and flannel bottoms. I walked into the hallway into the clean bathroom, and changed into red pajama bottoms and a white spaghetti strap cami. I don't care if Dan sees my arms, it's not like it's a secret to him. He was the one after all who brought me to the hospital.

I walked back into the room, and climbed into the bed, feeling as comfortable as ever. I feel safe here. I drifted off to sleep, thinking of how much I love it here.

_I'm back, Alex. Did you miss me? You're family certainly doesn't. Dan doesn't even want you here, he just feels bad because you have no where else to go. You are wasting space. Your arms are even uglier than before. You_ _might as well just kill yourself now while he's asleep so he can't stop you. Do it, fucking pussy. Do it. _

I woke up to Dan shaking me, "Alex! Wake up!"

I was sweating, a nervous kind of sweating.

I looked at the clock on the wall. 3:14 am. This was the first time in days I had gotten sleep, and I had my reoccurring demon talking to me. One of them always talks to me whenever I finally get the chance to sleep.

"I had a really bad dream. Sorry for waking you." I said apologizing.

"Don't worry about it, I was already awake. Do you wanna talk about it?" I shook my head no. "If you need me for anything, don't hesitate to ask, okay?" he stared at me with an expression that told me that he was here for sure. He walked back over to his blanket creation.

"Dan?" I said, quietly.

"Yeah?" he turned to look at me.

"That dream I just had... one of the bad things that take up my mind, they was telling me stuff. Bad stuff."

"You haven't slept for days, have you? I can tell by the bags under your eyes. I like them." he smiled slightly.

"I don't know. I guess I can only sleep without interruptions when I feel safe. And I feel safe here."

"But if you feel safe, why did you have such a horrid dream?"

"I don't know... because you seemed so far away and they told me you didn't care."

He came over to the side of my bed and knelt down on the floor so he was eye level with me.

"That's complete and utter bullshit. I care about you so much, and I've only known you for a few days. You are one of the most important people in my life. Don't ever forget that, okay?" he said, pulling me in with those eyes. In that moment, I knew he was telling the truth. I nodded, and he walked to the other side of the bed and climbed in to the covers.

"So I'm not so far away." he confirmed.

I turned over on my side, facing him.

"Hey... you said you weren't sleeping before, why not?" I asked him, remembering his comment from before.

"I wasn't sure if you were okay or not. I can't tell because I know you're a good liar. I just want you to be safe, and okay, and comfortable. I just wasn't sure of it. But I care about you so much." he said, looking at my eyes.

"Thanks. For everything." I told him, not knowing what else to say.

He smiled and put his arm around me, pulling me in to his warm chest. I felt his eyes travel on to my left arm, remembering I was wearing a tank top. He saw me, scars and all.

He took my hand and started gently tracing the white, purple and red lines with his fingers.

A tear formed in my eye. Dan knew all of me. All of my secrets. And he cares about me. Now I was crying, full out.

He noticed I was, and pulled me into an even tighter grip. He kissed the top of my forehead and I drifted off to sleep, knowing I was safe in his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up the next morning and looked over at the clock. 9:31. I looked around the room, remembering that this was my new home. I sat up and glanced at where Dan was last night. He wasn't there. Oh god, what if he left me. I knew it was too good to be true. I climbed out of bed and picked out an oversized black sweater and black leggings. Dan's blanket nest was gone. I put on my outfit and went downstairs.

As I reached the last few steps and caught a glimpse of the kitchen, Dan and Phil were talking while Phil was cooking and Dan was sitting at the counter with his back to me. Phil saw me and his eyes lit up.

"Good morning Alex!" he said with a perkiness to his voice. Dan turned to me and smiled a real smile.

"Good morning beautiful." He stood up and hugged me. I wasn't going to fight back and argue, it's too early for this.

"I made eggs and pancakes, I hope you're hungry!" Phil continued on. More than you even know.

"Oh, I'm fine, but thanks, Phil." As soon as I declined his offer, Dan looked down at me and shot me a 'are you really gonna try to get away with that' look.

"Maybe I'll have a little." I walked over to the counter and sat on the stool next to the one Dan was sitting on, and Dan came back to the stool he was on previously.

"You're supposed to have twice the calories an average person intakes so you can gain back the weight." Dan informed me. Yipee. Phil put a plate in front of me with a shitload of scrambled eggs and 4 pancakes, along with a glass of orange juice. Great, they are trying to fatten me back up. I looked to Dan, pleadingly. There's no fucking way I'm eating that much. I looked at it for a good two minutes. Two minutes that felt like eternity. I'm NOT eating that.

"C'mon Alex. It's just food." Phil tried to comfort me.

"You're gonna sit there until you eat it." Dan told me sternly, but not in a mean way.

"You can't be serious." He can't be serious.

"The hospital people told me to make you sit there until you eat all of your food. And it worked on my little brother when he wouldn't eat. So it's bound to work for you. And if you don't eat now, you eat even more than you you're supposed to later." I picked up the fork and stabbed the pancake, ripping off an edge. Wait, pancakes don't have edges, they're round. Hah. I brought the fork up to my mouth andhesitated. Dan looked at me.

"You can do it." he said to me with a nod. I put the piece in my mouth and chewed. Carbs. Calories. Sweet. I must admit, as much as I'm scared to eat, Phil is a fucking good cook. I swallowed the piece and continued on eating, and Phil continued on working on the kitchen.

"Good. And don't even try getting rid of it, because I'm not allowed to let you out of my sight for an hour. And Phil took the locks off the bathroom, remember?" Dan tried to lighten his statement up with a smile. "Oh! And before I forget, You have to go to get your stitches out tomorrow." Great. The last place I want to be is back in that hospital. What if they make me stay there?

"Can you come with me? Phil, if you want to, too?" I asked them. I didn't want to go back to the hospital in the first place, so I might as well bring Dan and Phil for comfort, and they would defend me having to stay.

"Sure, of course." Dan reassured me and Phil nodded along.

I finished up the breakfast plate and Phil began washing it.

"Thanks for breakfast, Phil." I smiled at him.

"Not a problem!" Phil said back with a bigger smile.

"So what do you wanna do today?" Dan asked us both.

"I actually have to work on my new video. I'm hooked all day." Phil responded. "And Dan, it's been two weeks. I think you've kept them waiting long enough." What are they talking about? I looked around confused.

"It's been kind of busy this past week, if you hadn't noticed Phil." Dan gestured to me, trying to be subtle. He failed.

"Huh?" I asked turning to Dan.

"Oh, we work on YouTube. I haven't uploaded a video in a few weeks, because I've been kind of preoccupied. We make videos for a living." Dan answered my confused look.

"No way! That's so cool!"

"Yeah, it's really fun and beats any other kind of job for sure." He said goodbye to Phil and took my hand and dragged me outside. "So what do you wanna do today, Alex? No phones, no money, no distractions. It's just you and me." He smiled with his perfect lips. I smiled back.

"I don't care." I told him, because the truth is, I didn't. As long as I'm with him.


	8. Chapter 8

We started walking, just walking, with no particular direction or place to be. We were talking about Dan being on YouTube and Dan's involvement with it.

"So how long have you been on YouTube?" I asked him, sparking the conversation.

"Almost six years, although my older videos were complete shit." he laughed.

"I would never be able to get in a camera and talk, knowing I had an audience. Especially of a million people."

"It was hard at first, but I've gotten more and more comfortable with the concept of it."

"I watched YouTube videos, but like only the popular ones. I don't know. I knew it was there, I just didn't watch people's weekly videos."

"That's what me and Phil and so many other people do as jobs. I love it."

We ended up coming up to the entrance of the town park. Dan looked at me, silently asking me if I wanted to go in. I smiled and nodded.

I love parks, I used to come here after my dad "sessions". Just to go for walks and to relieve worked up anger and stress and stuff. We walked all the way in to the park, talking about Pokemon. This reminded me of the second day we met. The day after what had started all of this. Dan found an empty park bench and sat us both down. I kept talking about Pokemon, not noticing that he had stopped.

"Do you remember the episode where..." I started to ask when I realized that he was looking at me in silence. "What?" I asked giggling.

"Have I ever told you how perfect you are?" Dan said, after looking at me for a while.

"But I'm not. I'm anything but." I responded, looking at my feet.

"No, no you are. You're gorgeous, and strong, and nice, and funny and perfect."

"Thanks, but I don't think of myself that way."

"How do you think of yourself, then? So I can contradict everything." He smiled at me.

"Well, first off. I'm ugly. I just am. My nose is too big and my eyes are too lop-sided. My chin is too weird and my cheeks are not even visible. I'm also fat. As fuck. And you made me eat this morning which didn't help at all. I'm just gonna get fatter than I already was." Dan didn't interrupt me. He just sat there, looking at me, listening. "I must deserve all the hate and everything I get from my dad and people at school and stuff. Thank god it's summer, I can only take so much torture and critisizing. I'm pathetic. I have scars all over my body and they're ugly. Like me." My eyes started watering, telling me I was done, thoughI could go on forever.

Dan looked at me and pulled me into a tight hug. He let me go and took my hands in both of his. He looked deep into my eyes.

"Don't ever think that way about yourself. You are so gorgeous. Your nose is just the right size, your eyes are big and adorable, you are not fat at all, you're perfect just the way you are. I don't know why anyone would hate you for any reason. You're kind, and funny and cute and perfect and indescribable. You take my breath away." He never took his eyes off of mine. He pulled me into a hug again.

"Nothing is wrong with you, you're just broken. But I will fix you."


	9. Chapter 9

"We have to get back home for lunch, or we could go someplace?" Dan told me, releasing me from his hug. I had enough food already, ugh.

"Can we go somewhere?" I asked him, and he nodded.

"Wait... we didn't bring any money." he pointed out as he began laughing, and I joined in. We decided on going back home and just having sandwiches or something simple. Good.

When we got back home, Phil was filming his video, so we had to be quiet. It was around 3, so it was already a late lunch.

"What do you want on your sandwich?" Dan whispered to me.

"Peanut Butter!" I whispered back, laughing.

He began making the sandwiches as I was sitting at the counter we were at this morning. I picked up a Harry Potter book and began reading it, though I had read about 50 times.

"Are you a Potterhead?" Dan noticed I was reading.

"Only a huge one!" I responded excitedly.

"Phil is too. I've read them but I'm not as obsessed as he is." Dan handed me my sandwich on a white paper plate. He had one with nutella in it, and he sat down next to me. "Cheers!" he said, as we both clanked sandwich halves.

We ate our sandwiches and talked about High School Musical, and how Dan had a Wildcats Jersey. Only him.

"I'm gonna go get my phone and charge it for a bit, okay?" I told Dan, but he looked at me and hesitated coming. I just turned around and headed upstairs. I walked down the hallway, past all the rooms and the bathroom and into my room. I picked up my phone. The screen read 3

NEW MESSAGES.

My sister: I heard what happened, lol, nice try

Blocked Number: attention whore

Blocked Number: try killing yourself again and hopefully it will work this time

Great. The first time I checked my phone in days and I get this. I threw my phone across the room, leaving a dent in the wall next to the door. I laid down on the bed and just stared at the ceiling. Maybe I should try again. It would take a big burden off of Dan and Phil. They would have an extra room again, they wouldn't have to waste food on me, or money, or time, and they could focus more on YouTube. Dan even said he hasn't been uploading because of me. It would make a lot more people happy.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and Dan walked through the doorway.

"What's wrong?" he asked me, noticing I was laying sprawled out on the bed, emotionless.

"Nothing." I said, not even turning to look at him. I play the 'nothing' card way too much, it's almost as if it's habit.

He turned to the door to close it, and noticed the dent in the wall and my phone on the ground. He picked it up and unlocked the screen. Shit. I left my message app open. He read the texts and looked over to me, and climbed on the bed. He sit next to me and pulled me up into the sitting position.

"Ignore those. You know you're perfect to me." Dan said, trying to assure me. He didn't do a very good job.

"Okay." I said, not very convincing.

"Come on." He said, dragging me out into the hallway and down the stairs. He stopped in the kitchen and picked up a plastic bag full of stuff.

"Where are we going?" What the hell.

"I know it's not a picnic basket, but it's all I've got." I smiled at him, happy that he's here. If only he were happy I'm here.


	10. Chapter 10

We were soon out of the flat and down the street, catching a bus. I don't know specifically where we're going, but Dan did, and it was obviously some place that you can have a picnic.

We finally got to a park-looking place, different from the one we were at before. Dan sat down on the soft grass and I did too.

Here we were, sitting on top of a hill in some field in god knows where. Dan brought a plastic bag full of sandwiches and goldfish and cookies and juice and food that you would eat in kindergarten or something. I feel like a kid eating lunch on a field trip. He handed me a sandwich and a Capri Sun. He took the same for himself and I knew there was no point in fighting eating, so I ate it like I was supposed to.

We both ate and laughed and talked about video games and Pokemon and nerdy stuff that we were both into.

When we were done eating, Dan pulled out two blankets and laid them down back to back, and lay down on one of them, and I followed his lead putting my head against his, so our feet were on opposite ends. Here we were, both laying on top of a hill in some field in god knows where, staring at the dark sky full of bright, shining balls of gas.

We sat for a few moments in silence, but a comfortable silence. One of those silences where you don't have to say anything but just by being quiet, you're completely okay.

"Why do you want to die?" Dan asked after we both lay in silence for a few moments.

"I don't know. A lot of reasons, I guess." I answered. I'm not lying, I can't count the reasons.

"But why?"

"Because I deserve it. It would make so many people happy and everyone's life better and it would just be the right thing to do. And don't retaliate and say you want me to stay alive, I'm sorry but I'm so sick of hearing that lie from people." To think about it, I've actually never heard it form anyone. Why am I such a bitch.

I remembered a question I had wanted to ask him ever since I first met him.

"What were you doing on the roof that day?" I heard a quiet sigh from the other side of the blanket.

"I was planning on doing the same thing you were planning on doing, believe it or not." I heard, quiet, but audible.

"But why? You're so nice and amazing and handsome and great." I tried to fight back. Did I really just say that about Dan?

"You know, you are all of those things too."

"Not even close. I have reasons to die. You're living the life."

"All of this pressure and stress was just too much to bear." I heard his voice shake a little.

"I'm sorry."

We both lay there in silence.

"Don't leave me." He finally said, after moments of quiet.

We both sit there in even more silence, but longer this time. You could tell we were both thinking, about what, I'm not sure.

"The stars are so bright tonight." I said, finally breaking the silence.

"Like your eyes." Dan said back. Oh boy.

"Real original, Dan." I laughed.

"I speak the truth. You're so beautiful."

"Cut the bullshit."

"No bullshit. I just wish you could see how gorgeous you are." I also wish I could believe you.

"But I'm not. I've been told I'm ugly and fat all of my life, and I've just been forced to believe that. If everyone calls me it, it must be true."

"No. No, you're so perfect and beautiful and I wish I could come up with a better word but there are none to describe how much I love you."

We both froze.

Am I imagining things? What? No. It sounded like Dan just told me he loved me.

I sat up and looked at him, we both had eyes of 'I can't believe you just said that'.

"You love me?" Wow, I sound stupid. He clearly just said that, Alex. What the fuck is wrong with you.

"Oh my god. Sorry. That slipped out. But... yes, I do. We've only known each other for a week or whatever but you make me so happy. Your beautiful face and your perfect personality and I can't describe how perfect you are. I can't even describe how much I love you."

The next thing I knew, my lips were pressed against his. His warm, soft, pink lips, full of love and meaning. We stayed there for what seemed like forever, knowing it was only a few seconds or so. I pulled away first, not wanting to, but knowing I had to.

I climbed over to his blanket and laid down next to him. My head was on his chest and his arm was on my arm, and we both lay there, staring at the endless sky in front of our eyes.

"I love you too." I told him, because I meant it.


	11. Chapter 11

_The Next Morning_

"Good morning!" Phil said as me and Dan walked in the front door.

"Morning!" Me and Dan said in unison as we both looked t each other and laughed.

The flat smelled of eggs and bacon, and whatever else Phil was cooking for breakfast. How did he not flip out when we didn't come home for over twelve hours?

"Have fun last night?" Phil asked, as if he could read my mind. I looked at Dan and he was looking down at me, smiling his perfect smile.

"Yeah, I did." I responded, looking at my feet.

"I need to go shower, beautiful." Dan announced, making me realise that we had spent the entire night in a field somewhere.

"Oh, Dan, stop it, you're making me blush." Phil answered before I could. Couple of the year right here. We all laughed and Dan ran up the steps to take a shower after we finished eating.

"So Alex, school starts again in like two days, right?" Phil asked me after putting his mug of coffee down from his mouth. SHIT. It does! I can't go back there, I won't.

"I guess, I completely forgot." Fucking hell.

"Well you're a senior this year, right?"

"Yeah, but its still horrible."

"I know you're dreading it, but it's your last year. Only 180 more days of it."

"I know, and I know I have to go. There's no way you guys would let me drop, right?"

"Very right."

I sighed and Dan came down the stairs with his hair straightened and a new outfit on. God, he's so perfect. I guess I need to shower, too.

"Miss me?" Dan smirked.

"A bunch." Phil giggled.

"Come off it." Dan said and we all laughed. "Talk about anything interesting while I was gone?"

"I realised that school starts in a few days for Alex." Phil said to Dan, then shot a glance at me to see my reaction, probably expecting the worst. I decided to stay quiet.

"Oh shit, I completely lost track of the time!" Dan put a hand to his head, smacking his temple. "These past few days have been so crazy."

I looked at the clock on the wall next to the fridge- 10:05.

"You have to go get your stitches removed today, remember?" Dan asked me, noticing my glance at the time. I completely forgot. What if they make me stay there? What if the hospital makes me get sectioned? What if they think I'm not doing good enough? What if I get taken from Dan and Phil?

"You guys are coming, right? You said you would." I can feel myself panicking, but I'm trying my best not to show it.

"Of course we are." Dan noticed I was shaking and he engulfed me in a hug. "Don't worry, everything will be fine." I nodded into his chest, then pulled away.

"Gotta go shower." I said with obvious sadness in my voice. Dan shot me a concerned look and he knew something was up. I knew he knew.

"Okay." He said suspiciously. I went up the stairs and into my room to grab an outfit that consisted of a blue and white baseball tee and dark blue skinny jeans. Seriously, what if the hospital takes me away? I don't want to go back to that sterile hell.

Dan soon walked through the doorway and noticed me sitting on my bed looking down at my feet. He came over and sat down next to me.

"Everything will be fine." he tried to reassure me and put his hand on my back. I responded.

"I sure hope so."


	12. Chapter 12

When I was dressed and ready to go, I went downstairs to find Dan and Phil sitting on the couches in the living room.

"Ready to go?" Phil asked, perky like always.

"No. But I have to." I sighed.

"Everything will be fine, Alex. They're just going to take your stitches out. I will be there the whole time." Dan stood up from the couch and wrapped me in a hug. I nodded into his chest and hugged him back.

Phil stood up and we all walked out the door and began walking to the bus stop with Phil trying to comfort the air with funny conversation. We finally arrived at the bus stop and lucky for us, the bus was pulling up within a two minute wait. We got on the bus and it was practically empty so we found a set of four seats near each other. I sat next to Dan, and Phil sat in a seat in front of us.

"Everything will be fine." Dan repeated to me, taking my hand to find it shaking. He rubbed my hand with his thumb, "Everything will be fine." he repeated again.

When the hospital was in sight and we weren't too far from walking distance, Phil pulled the rope and we climbed off the bus and began walking up to the main enterance of the hospital.

The main lobby was filled with a lady with a child, and a couple who appeared to be in their thirties. A lady was sitting her desk (I guess the receptionist) staring hard at her computer, typing away. Dan walked up to the desk, and me and Phil followed.

"Um... hi. Do we go to you for an appointment or something?" Dan asked awkwardly. I give him props though, I would never be able to do that.

"What kind of 'appoinment'?" The lady said rudely, not even looking up from her screen.

"Um," Dan reached back and pulled me out from behind Phil, "she's getting stitches removed and they told her to come today." The lady sighed and picked up the phone sitting next to a pile of paperwork.

"Someone is here for a stitch removal." she spoke into the phone. She looked back at us after a second of silence, "Her name is...?"

"Alexandra Reily." Dan told the lady. I cringed at the sound of my full name. The last time I had heard my full name was when my dad was mad. After a while he just started calling me nasty words.

The lady spoke my name into the phone and stared back at her computer screen and started vigorously typing again.

"Floor 3, someone will be waiting for you there." Dan thanked the lady and me and Phil followed him to the elevators. I was about to ask him how he knew the lobby so well but then I remembered I was in here for days.

When the lift arrived it was empty, so we all stepped in and Phil pressed the "3" button. Dan wrapped me in his arms and kissed the top of my head.

"Everything is going to be fine."

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. We stepped out into an area of white and blue coloured roll-away beds and desks and chairs.

"Ah, welcome back Alexandra." I heard a familiar voice from behind me, and I turned around. It was the perky nurse. I smiled at her. "Follow me." she said as she started walking down a long hallway.

"I'm going to need you two to stay out here." The nurse said as we arrived at two big doors. I looked to Dan, beginning to panic. He said he would be there through the whole thing. He looked at me and took me in his arms. He let me go and took my hands and looked straight into my eyes.

"Everything will be just fine. We're not going anywhere. We will be in this exact spot when you get out." I nodded, not sure whether to believe him or not.

The nurse motioned for me to follow her and she opened the big doors and walked us in. We arrived at another door, this one not as big, and she told me to change into the robe that was sitting on the rolley bed in the middle of the room. She left and I changed, noticing that the robe was short sleeved. I guess I knew it would be, but just looking at my arm covered in cuts and stitches made my head spin.


	13. Chapter 13

The nurse walked back into the room after a few minutes and washed her hands in the sink across the room from the bed. She dried her hands and sat on the wheeley chair that was next to the bed on the right. She had a tray of wipes and pads and bandages. She began cleaning my arm, not going around my cut with the stitches, and it stung like a motherfucker. I cringed and she didn't stop, but continued to clean. I guess I deserved it, I am the one who did this to myself in the first place. She told me to lay down and she left the room, throwing out all of the wrappers she had just used form the alchohol pads.

A few moments pass and a new person walks in, one I had never seen before. He had short black hair and a big nose.

"Hello Alexandra," really? "I don't believe we haver properly met before. I put your stitches in when you first came here. You were unconsious during the time, that's why I said unproperly." he laughed at his own joke and I just smiled. "So what we are going to do is remove the threading from your arm and then bandage it up again so it doesn't get infected. It won't hurt, but it will feel a bit uncomfortable. Are you ready?" I nodded.

He pulled out a new tray of tools, some that looked like pliers and some that looked like scissors. He began taking the scissors and cutting the threads, then pulling them out with the pliers. It didn't hurt, but he was right. This feels really weird. Then I felt gauze being wrapped around my arm and tape being applied to the gauze and to my skin.

I leaned back into the bed and after some time he announced that he was done. I thanked him and he left the room. I wasn't sure what to do, but soon enough the perky lady came back in and told me I could change back into my normal clothes. I did and she escorted me back out to where Dan and Phil were supposed to be.

They weren't there.

I could feel myself shaking and starting to panic.

"Daniel and Phillip are just in the waiting room. Down the hall and to the left." The perky nurse had told me. I walked down the hall and to the left and found Dan and Phil sitting in two chairs, looking griefed. Dan had his hands in a fist in his lap, looking at the floor and he was shaking his leg. Phil had his arms crossed and was looking at the floor. Why do they look so problemed? I walked over to them, making loud steps so it was obvious I was approaching them. Both of their heads snapped up stimultaneously and they both jumped up and gave me bear hugs at the same time. Why are they acting so weird?

"I told you we would be here. We didn't go anywhere." Dan told me, but I could feel him shaking.

Phil let go and Dan continued to hug me.

"What's wrong?" I asked pulling away from Dan.

"Don't worry about it, love." Dan told me as he pulled me back into his arms. I pulled away and looked at Phil. His eyes were filling with tears. I looked at Dan and he was on the verge of crying.

"You guys are really scaring me. What's going on?!" I panicked. Was it something I did? Was it something I said? Dan pulled me back into a hug and a nurse came into the waiting room, one I had not seen before. This one looked more official.

"Can Alexandra Reily and caretakers follow me?" she looked at me and Dan and Phil. She started to walk out of the room and we followed her. What the fuck is going on?

We followed the nurse all the way down the hall and to a door way off from the rest of the wing. She opened it and let us inside.

"Have a seat." She told me, and I sat on the couch-like bed in the room. Dan and Phil sat on the little chairs on the right side of the bed. I started sweating and panicking and shaking. Dan noticed and grabbed my hand and rubbed it with his thumb like he always does when he knows something's wrong. Now I really start panicking.

"Shh." he said, still rubbing my hand.

They all know something I don't. And it's bad. But I have a feeling I'm about to find out.

"We did some tests while you were in from your suicide attempt." I looked at her confused. What the fuck? What kind of tests? "Since you had cut deep and loss so much blood, you have developed a severe case of anemia. This case is so severe, we have never seen anything like it,"

Yeah... and?

She continued,

"Anemia is a life threatening disease to begin with, but in your case, it is much worse. I'm sorry to say this, but you have two months left to live."


	14. Chapter 14

I immediately looked over at Dan who was sobbing into his best friend's shoulder. Phil was rubbing Dan's shoulder, crying silently to himself.

"What do you mean I only have two months left to live?!" I panicked, hoping for someone to tell me this was just some practical joke. That it was actually just April Fool's Day and this was all a sick joke.

"Your blood is becoming so thin it's almost not even there. Soon enough, you won't have any blood to run through your veins as your body has lost its ability to produce more. We have estimated that with the amount of blood your body has left, you will have two months left to be alive. And that is if you don't cut yourself or scrape yourself or get a bloody nose or lose blood in any other way." The nurse imformed me.

I can't breathe. I need to breathe. Oh god, not now. Please. I had a reason not to. But now I have to. I have to breathe.

I can't take any more of this. Fuck two months. I can make it now.

I got up from the bed and ran out of the room, hearing Dan and Phil call out for me. I ran down the hall, past the receptionist on this level, past all of the doctors and nurses trying to slow me down and down the stairs, remembering the way we had come in. I made it out of the hospital in roughly 30 seconds.

I made it out to the streets, not sure of where to go. I could go to Dan and Phil's house, and I could just run away. I decided on Dan and Phil's house. I kept running in the direction in which I knew how to get to their house. I finally got there, people probably just throught I was going for a jog or something. People don't normally consider other people in this town.

I walk on the porch, grabbing the spare key from under the floorboard under the welcome mat. I frantically shove the key into the lock and open the flat. I run to the kitchen, searching for something. Something that I knew wouldn't be there. Something sharp. I know Phil and Dan Alex-proofed the house, but there's got to be something sharp in here somewhere.

I finally got to a cabinet with a butcher knife in it hidden behind a cereal box. Aha! I knew a chef like Phil couldn't not have something like this. As soon as I picked the knife up, I heard Dan and Phil run through the front door and look at me, but I immediately start running up  
the stairs and to the bathroom.

"ALEX!" Dan called out for me, and I hear footsteps frantically run up the stairs. I can go for the bathroom and try my best to lock it, or I could do it right here. I go for right here.

I hold the knife up to the arm that wasn't knewly un-stitched and I feel a hand grab the knife and throw it across the hall.

"No!" Dan yelled at me. Oh god. Why do I fuck everything up? Why am I such a fuck up? He wrapped his arms around me and starts sobbing. I start sobbing, too.

I put my arms around Dan and we fall to the floor, holding each other, sobbing into each other's shoulder.

"You heard the nurse. If you bleed anymore you will lose even less time." he said through tears.

"I want to die." I said through more tears into his shoulder. "I want to die."

He hugged me even tighter and we continued to hold each other in the middle of the hallway and cry to each other.

"Don't leave me." Dan said through tears. There was pain and hurt in his voice. "If you want to cut or destroy something, do it to me." he grabbed the knife and handed it to me.

"What?" I asked through some more tears.

"You want to cut. Do it to me. Not to yourself."

"No, Dan! You don't deserve that!"

"And you think you do?! I love you, Alex! It kills me to know I'm going to lose you and I can't do anything about it!"

"I love you too." Is all I could respond.

"Don't leave me." Dan said through even more pain and sadness in his voice. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you. You keep me alive."

"You have to stay alive, for me. You can do it. I know you can." I try to comfort him, but he just keeps sobbing. I've never seen someone so strong break down so much.

"I just don't know if I can."

"You can. I know you can." I reassured him. He looked down at his lap and held his head to my shoulder, still sobbing.

But then looked back up to me with some sort of hope in his eyes, they were brighter than they were two moments ago. As if he had some sort of solution to this fucked up situtation.

"What?" I asked him, sniffling my tears away.

"What if we die together?"


	15. Chapter 15

"What if we die together?" Dan asked me, with a certain kind of hope in his eyes. "Alex, I can't live without you."

"Dan-"

"Please, don't leave me."

"Dan, no." he can't be serious.

"We would be together forever." He does have a valid point. I can't live without him, and I guess he can't live without me. He's probably just saying this to comfort me.

"Dan."

"I can't live without you, Alex. And I would end up killing myself anyways. We would be together till the end of time."

"I don't know."

"Think about it. You have 2 months." I smiled, not knowing whether he was joking or not. It's weird, because in life there are due dates for projects and things, but now it really is a due date. I never thought of having a due date like this.

He stood up and held out his hand to help me up.

"Come on. Let's go to bed." he said, still looking hopeful about his idea. I want to be with him forever. I really do. But it would be my fault he died. And what about Phil? Dan can't leave his best friend! How will Dan handle it? He needs to stay alive for him. He's an inspiration to so many people to begin with, and he would be leaving his subscribers for good. He can't do that. He's worth too much.

On the other hand, I'm worth nothing. I don't have a YouTube channel with over one million subscribers. Over one million people don't look up to me, and find happiness in my videos. I just make people annoyed and depressed. I put more money problems on Dan and Phil. I burden them enough.

It would just be better if I killed myself before the two months are up. I wouldn't have to go to school and face all of that. I wouldn't have to keep eating. I wouldn't bother Dan anymore.

Everything would just be better off.

"What are you thinking about?" Dan asked, waving his hand in front of my face, breaking my train of thought. I snapped out of it and shook my head.

"Nothing." I responded, not very convincingly. He looked at me knowing I was lying, and walked into the bedroom and I followed him. I took my meds and he made sure I didn't take more than diagnosed, and I changed into a pair of flannel pants and a white tank top. Dan took off his jeans and kept his plaid shirt on.

We both climbed into bed and Dan wrapped me in his arms. Oh how I'm going to miss his arms. The arms that made me feel safe. Wanted. Loved. I'm going to miss Dan. And Phil. And their matching hair cuts. And their obsession with Pokemon and llamas and lions and YouTube.

I looked at the clock. It was only 9:17. I'm exhausted but I know I can't sleep. Not when I have two months left to be alive, if that. I need to stay awake. I don't care, I need time to think.

It was quiet in the room, but not in my mind. When Dan finally fell asleep, I had made a decision. I was going to kill myself. Tomorrow.


	16. Chapter 16

I didn't sleep at all last night. I spent the whole night planning it out, planning out my death. I would wake up, not eat anything, get through lunch, not eat anything, get to dinner, not eat anything. Basically I'm fasting on my last day alive, but whatever. What would happen after dinner would be the best part.

I mean this is the right decision... right? Dan wants me out of here, its obvious. Phil is sick of cooking for me, I can tell. They both hate me and I'm doing them a favour.

Shit. What about all my stuff?

Just give it to Dan, or burn it or throw it away or something. Stop overreacting, freak.

What about the mess? I don't want Phil to go through cleaning that again.

It will be worth it once your gone, they won't even care.

Maybe Dan does care.

No he doesn't.

Maybe.

No, bitch. He hates your fat self. He would have an extra room if you weren't around, they wouldn't have to worry about treating your sick self, or caring for you. Everything would be better without you around.

"Alex?" I hear Dan say groggily behind me, breaking my thoughts. He was facing me, but I was facing outside of the bed.

"Yeah?" I answer, trying to sound as if I was just waking up. I'm terrible at this.

"How long have you been up?" He sat up in place and looked at the clock. I followed the drection of his eyes and read the alarm clock: 8:09.

I shrugged and sat up next to him. He kissed my forehead. "Good morning beautiful." I will be even more beautiful when I'm dead, you'll see.

I sat there, not responding. Normally I would retaliate with some smart-ass remark or deny his statement and call his greeting bullshit, but I said nothing. He seemed to catch on to this.

"What, no 'bullshit' or 'morning pretty'?" he looked at me and said in a confused voice.

"Sorry." was all I could come up with. Really, shithead? If you wanna convince him that everything is normal, you're fucking failing at it.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, totally. Sorry, I didn't get much sleep." Ha.

"Come on, I'm sure Phil has cooked something up." he climbed out of bed and I did the same, in my white tank top and flannel pants. I followed him down the stairs and into the kitchen where, yep you guessed it, Phil had breakfast sitting on the counter. I just sat at the table, not going to grab a plate from the cupboard like I normally do. I sat in silence. Phil was sitting at the table as well.

"Would you like me to get you your breakfast, your highness?" Dan laughed at his own joke. Phil chuckled behind his mug of tea.

"I'm not very hungry." If I get away with this, the world must be ending. But I had planned this out.

"You know that's not how things work." Dan said back over the counter, gathering servings on both his plate and one he had gotten for me. He brought it over and placed it in front of my face and sat down across the table from me. I stared at it, not moving from my spot. Dan and Phil talked about Phil's latest YouTube video and this went on for minutes.

I could feel both their eyes on me, waiting for me to pck up my fork and shove a bite of pancake into my mouth and then wash it down with a sip of orange juice. I didn't move.

What seemed like hours went by, and I sat there, not moving from my original position of looking at the food.

"You have to eat something." Dan said finally, after Phil had left to go do whatever he had to do. He mentioned something about meeting up with a few friends and offered Dan and me to go, but I think Dan declined his offer.

"I said I'm not hungry." I still stared at my food, purposely not making eye contact with Dan, Because I knew if I did, I could cave in and eat.

"Alex. Come on. You know you have to eat or I have to bring you to the hospital." SHIT. No. No. No. The last place I need to be right now is the hospital.

I sighed, and smaked the pancake with my fork, bringing the whole thing up to my mouth taking a bite out of it. I chewed it slowly, cringing at knowing that calories were being brought into my stomach.

"Good. Can I trust you to finish them while I go shower?" Dan said and I nodded. He put his plate in the sink and went upstairs.

I need to throw this up. Now.

When it was all clear and I had heard Dan turn on the water, I ran to the trash bin, scraping the leftover pancakes into the plastice bag. I placed my plate into the sink gently but quickly, not wanting to make noise.

I knew Dan was in the shower upstairs, but Phil's bedroom had it's own bathroom. Perfect.

I went into his bathroom, knowing there wouldn't be a lock on it. I bent over the toilet and sat on the cold tiled floor.

I did my old routine, one that I had missed so dearly. Fingers in, quickly out, calories out. I did this till there was nothing left to throw up and I just sat there, sitting over the toilet bowl, emotionless but full of emotions.

"ALEX!" I hear Dan in the doorway and I look up to see him, shocked.

I began crying, no- sobbing, and apologising for the smell. He picked me up and brought me over to Phil's bed, I could feel his body begin to shake and I knew that he was crying, too.


	17. Chapter 17

I lay in Dan's arms until we both stopped sobbing. I pulled myself up on my elbows and hey lay on his side supposrting his head with his hand.

"What's going on, Alex? You were getting better, I thought you were okay." Dan sniffled.

I didn't respond, he doesn't need to know my plan for later on tonight. It was a few moments before either of us said anything again.

"What's going on?" He asked me again, thinking he would actually get an honest response.

"Nothing. The food just didn't go well in my stomach." I lied. I hope it went over well, but I knew that it wouldn't.

"Alex-"

"Please don't take me back to the hospital!" I began crying again.

He didn't say anything in response, but I knew he was thinking of it as an option.

"Come on Alex, it's nearly noon. I have to make lunch," Dan finally said, "and you have to eat it." Fuck. I knew this plan wouldn't work.

* * *

The rest of the day I ate, and did what I was supposed to. It finally came to the time that Phil was in bed and Dan was getting ready for it. We both changed into our pyjamas and Dan gave me my meds and we both climbed into bed. I lay there until I knew Dan was asleep. Then I began my plan.

Since Dan and Phil cleared the entire flat of all sharp objects, I needed to get something. Something sharp. I grabbed my wallet and opened it to count the cash I had. I forgot that I had left a picture of my dad, my mum, my sister and myself, all smiling and pretending to be a normal family. I hadn't seen this picture in a while, and seeing now, of all times, triggered something inside of me.

I need to do this. It was now, or in two months when I had no control over it.

I need to die, right now.

I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. I didn't need anyone seeing my scars while I was buying razor blades. I left the flat and was sure to be quiet with every move I made.

I knew all the buses would be stopped for the night considering it was about 3 in the morning. I decided to walk to the nearest Wal-Mart or Target or whatever I could find.

I walked through the automatic doors and went to the cash register to see a guy wearing a blue polo shirt playing on his phone. I assumed he was playing Temple Run or What's the Word. He barely looked up to me when I came up to the counter.

"Um, can I um, have a box of utility razors or razor blades or whatever you call them please?" I tried to not sound so awkward but I obviously failed.

The guy sighed, looked up from his phone and scoffed as if it was a crime for me to interrupt his game of Angry Birds. He reached under the counter and pulled out a box of 100 razor blades. He pressed a few buttons on his register and the price showed up on the little screen pointed at the customer.

"Seven eighty-nine." He said, obviously pissed at the fact that I bothered him.

I placed a ten dollar bill on the counter and told him to keep the change, and I grabbed my plastic bag with the blades in it and fast walked out of the store.

It was beginning to rain and I was soaked by the time I got back to Dan and Phil's flat. I was dripping water as I went into the upstairs bathroom, and the tears began ouring down my face. I pulled off my hoodie and barricaded the door with everything I could find. Chairs, magazines, Dan's hair products, everything. I looked at the clock. 4:50. I have to do this quick, Phil wakes up early.

I opened the box of newly bought razors and admired the new, shiny pieces of metal. I picked one out of the many and didn't hesitate. I dragged it over my old scars, over my newer ones and over my clean skin. I got deeper and deeper with each slice. I didn't leave a piece of skin untouched.

I slice my arms, my legs, my hands, my stomach, my chest, everywhere. Soon enough I felt a dizzy feeling and I knew I was getting somewhere. I kept going, going over the spots I already had gone over, but making it deeper.

I grabbed a pen from the drawer and a piece of paper from a magazine and began to write "I'M SORRY" But the darkness overtook me and I fell to the floor, the last thing I heard was a figure standing in the door way, yelling out my name.


	18. Chapter 18

The next thing I remember I was in what seemed to be a metal-looking room filled with the basic hospital tools and things. And people. Lots of people. Then it hit me- oh shit, I'm in an ambulance.

Memories of what happened soon ran over me. I wanted-no, NEEDED to die. I went to the store in the middle of the night. Bought razors. Pissed off a guy. Left. Came back home. Went to the bathroom. Barricaded myself in. Began slicing. Passed out.

So that must explain how I ended up here. It's all my fault I woke up either Dan or Phil so early. I left a mess in their bathroom. I fucked up once again.

I looked around the ambulance and saw Dan holding my hand with his head down, sobbing. I also see several doctors or whatever working on my cuts trying to disinfect them.

The most I could make out sound-wise was a really fucking loud siren and people screaming over it trying to instruct each other on what to do.

The next thing I know someone had come up the my upper arm and I felt a prick, and started slowly dozing off.

* * *

White. White was all I could see. I was wearing a white dress thing. The walls were white. The ceiling was white. The floor is white. The people are wearing white. I knew this colour way too well enough to know exactly where I am.

"She doesn't have much left in her to keep living." I hear a nurse say. I immediately shut my eyes and pretending to keep sleeping so I could continue listening to this conversation.

"So inform me, I only heard bits and pieces of what exactly happened." a different woman's voice spoke.

"She was committing suicide by cutting herself and lost so much blood in such a short amount of time that her body couldn't work fast enough to replenish it. Adding on to that, she was diagnosed with anemia from past blood loss and suicide attempts and her blood was much thinner than it should be. If it wasn't for that boy donating blood, she wouldn't even have a chance of living.

Boy? Donating blood?

"How much did you say he donated, again?" the other woman spoke.

"About three pints. You're only supposed to donate one pint every three months but the boy insisted that he did whatever he could to keep this girl living."

"Where is this boy now?"

"In his own room, recovering. He lost conciousness around the end of the third pint."

"What are his chances?"

"He will be living in the hospital for a while, but then again, so will this one. They both need to recover and get their blood statuses back to normal. We don't exactly know her status, either. She may continue to live, or she may not. It's really up to her if she has the will in her to keep fighting."

"Wow. That's powerful. I wish I never have to make a decision as strong as that one. Oh look at that! It's nearly noon. Time for lunch!" That was the last voice I heard before more footsteps and a door closing.

Dan... donated 3 fucking pints of blood... to me? To keep me alive?

He wasn't lying when he said he really cared. I didn't believe him and I was rude about it, too! God, I'm such a bitch.

I propped myself up on my elbows and looked around the room. I was hooked up to however many wires and stuff they possibly chould shove in my skin.

I saw a red button and knew from previous experiences here that when you press it, a nurse will come and tend to your needs. I reached out and realised how weak I really was. I used all of my strength to reach out and press the button and almost immediately a young looking woman was in the room panting.

"What can I do for you?" She frantically asked in between her short breaths.

"I want to see Dan." I responded like a little kid would when they lost their mum.

"Daniel is unconcious at the moment. And you aren't allowed to leave the room without someone watching you, and even if you were to, it would be incredibly hard for you to do so because of your current status."

I don't give a shit what this lady says. I need to see Dan.

"I need to see him." I insisted.

She sighed and left the room and soon enough, a different person in white came to my side and helped me out of bed. She directed me down a hallway and through some doors and down a few more hallways, with me clutching onto her arm for support. Fuck it was hard to walk when there's barely any good blood left in you.

She lead me to a door and opened it, leading me inside. I saw Dan, laying on the bed, with a mask and tubes and wires and things wrapped around him, more than I've ever seen in my life.

I was used to Dan being so strong, helping me and guiding me. Now he was weak. It physically pined me to see him like this.

"He's not going to wake up for a few more days, so suit yourself." the nurse said before leaving and closing the door behind her.

I went up to Dan's side and knelt on the floor.

"Dan. Fuck. What have I done?!" I began to sob. "I love you, more than you will ever know. And I may never get to see you again, they don't know the current state I'm in and they don't know what's going to happen to me next. I really love you. I need you more than ever. Please wake up."

I grabbed his hand and began sobbing into it. I need him more than ever.

I sat there for what seemed like forever, not wanting to ever let go, until I heard a shuffling and felt a cold hand on top of mine.

I looked up and saw Dan looking down at me from his bed. Then I heard the most raspy and week, but most caring voice I had ever heard in my life.

"Stop crying, love. I'm here."


End file.
